Tonight

I don't want to fall asleep,
Even if I did want to,
I cannot.
My Brain, Body, and Soul are One,
And all are awake, energized.
It's probably because of the lack of energy I use.

Perhaps it is because I have not had time to myself
To think about my choices,
Past, present, or future.
Maybe 2:16 a.m. isn't the time
To stop everything for alone time with myself.
But to be fair, I haven't had this delicacy in a while.

I've been giving myself over to the mindless wheel
Of technology and other people.
I have not stopped to think about Fate,
Or my soul,
The essence of who I am,
In return I feel broken and empty.

I feel as though I have been on autopilot
And it is taking effort to wake back up,
To find myself again.

I should not be awake,
Not when so many others are fast asleep,
Yet I cannot help it.
Time escapes me,
So I must, somehow, carve out my own time.

Maybe I should be on my phone,
Drowning out every thought, inquisition, and fear,
But I feel like if I do,
I will lose time completely, yet again.

Things might be terrible and hectic tomorrow morning,
Just like it always is,
And I always make it worse for myself by staying up,
But I need these few moments to think,
To write,
To silence all the outside voices,
And to truly be me.

I do not want to lose this passion
That is disguised as writing.
It is partly writing,
But it is mostly thinking.
It is seeing the complex weave of stories I've seen
And pulling specific strings, one by one,
Connecting them in my own masterpiece.

How do you know what you create will matter to others?
You don't.
Someone may think your story is captivating, and exciting, and beautiful,
While another person believes it is dull, uneventful, and lifeless.

But it is about the relationship between the artist and the masterpiece.
The time they spend with one another,
The bond that grows.
Maybe it is trying to find where you start and your masterpiece begins.

It is finding yourself in your passion.
The type of person you are,
The things you feel,
The choices you make,
The dreams that pull you away.
Inspiration versus Desperation.
The things you don't notice but mean a world of wonder to someone else.

It is where Fiction and Reality collide,
Portraying an abstract picture.
It is messy,
It is ugly,
It is beautiful,
It is you.

That is what every artist has to remember.