Moral Confusion

            Black is black and white is white, but I became surrounded by grey.

What do you do when your mother leaves your father for a better, more stable, richer man than your father?

What do you do when your best friend stops being your best friend because you’ve been acting distant and irritated, but you can’t tell her what’s going on because you haven’t told yourself?

What do you do when you’re surrounded by criticism and a superficial society that won’t let you breathe, let alone move?

What do you do when you finally believe that criticism?

Why should I care what you do? What would I do? That’s the problem.

I sat in my room, eating my dinner, trying to ignore my sisters arguing for the third time that night. My mind wanted to wander but the loud noises wouldn’t let me. My hands reached for the dial on my worn out creamy blue radio that’s lasted me the entirety of my childhood.

As I jumped from station to station nothing seemed to grab my attention. The loud noises continued and were echoed by my churning stomach. Finally I reached something that called my name:

    
        Oh Rachel, Why do you sit here all alone when you could be in my arms. Oh Rachel…

Suddenly my memory took me back to a camping trip in a vague forest I was too young to remember. All I saw were the pine trees and a path that dared to be explored, and I, believing myself to be unstoppable, at least at the time, indulged my curiosity. I crawled up the hill, finding nooks, crannies, rocks, and roots to hang on to, while my Barbie sneakers pushed me higher and higher. Finally, I reached the top and all my eyes could see was a vast, evergreen beauty that took my breath away. The sun shone down on its magnificent entirety, the wind blew a sweet breeze, and the memory was forever imprinted upon my young mind. Unfortunately, beauty doesn’t last forever.

After that all I can remember is leaning against a nearby tree. It was covered in sticky syrup, but that didn’t bother me. The irony is that it didn’t stop me either.

My eyes wouldn’t stop climbing the tree above me, and that’s how I wandered: with my face stuck to the branches that reached the sky. Trusting without thinking, I leaned, hoping to find the tree trunk. Instead, I didn’t feel anything. I was free falling. Although it was probably half of a second, it felt as if I had already fallen prey to the plunging depths before me. But at the very last moment, my mother grabbed me and held me as tight as she could. I didn’t even cry. I was still trying to process it all.

Fear returned to me as I realized I could have very well died in that moment. The scene kept replaying in my head and all I could see was a young version of myself falling off a cliff without anyone there to rescue me.

It scared me to think of how fragile life was, and how clueless I could be at times. My mind kept returning to the idea. I couldn’t help but wonder what it’d be like if it really had been over then; if I would’ve never had to deal with any of the problems I had now.

Maybe I just need what I needed back then: A pair of arms to hold me before I plummeted off the edge.

At that moment, before I could contemplate my loneliness any further, my sister barged in.

“Can’t you knock?” I groaned. I couldn’t even look at the drama Ally was probably bringing in with her. Then I heard a sniffle.

I quickly turned to her, only to see her nose was gushing blood. Grabbing some tissues from my desk, I rushed over to her, bringing her over to my desk.

“Here, just keep putting pressure on it.” I wanted to tell her this is why she needed to stop fighting constantly with Liz, but then I heard the yelling.

“You think this is a game? I have work to fucking do and I have to deal with this shit?”

Just by the way he said it I knew he was drunk. My eyes went to Ally’s nose and my gut believed what my mind wouldn’t.

He’d never hit any of us before, and he’d never been an awfully irritable man. Of course, he had his moments where he’d yell and scream and whine and cry. Being the oldest, I usually saw the worst of it and hid it from Ally and Liz. He always made sure to apologize and that we were okay. He would give us a long sappy speech about how he loved us, and would do anything for us, before he would pass out cold on the living room couch. I wondered where that man was now. 

I heard the screaming go back and forth. I knew Liz wasn’t going to give up her position easily.

It continued to escalate, and while I wanted to move, needed to move, my feet stuck to the floor the one time I needed them the most.

Finally we heard the screams of Liz call out, “You know what dad? This is why mom left, because no one can stand you!” And in between sobs, “Fuck you.”

I heard the heavy footsteps come back up the stairs at the same time I realized I never noticed that he went downstairs in the first place. My heart began to beat faster than before, my feet inched toward the door, and my ears waited.

Then we heard the slap. No, the slaps. I forced myself to go out there and I did the unimaginable. I pulled the stranger’s hands off my sister. He was heavy, but not heavier than my indignation. Eventually he staggered in front of me, heaving and wiping away his hot saliva.

“You disgust me,” I spat at him while still holding his wrists.

He laughed and shook his head, “I should’ve left you ungrateful brats the moment your mom did. Maybe then you’d appreciate having someone take care of you.”

Even he, the raging monster, was tearing up now. There was pain in his eyes, but my heart had no sympathy, especially not for him.

Ally joined my side.

 “Grow up.” She said as she tended to Liz who was uncontrollably sobbing and screaming at the same time.

“Ally, go with Liz into my room.”

            

            To my surprise they didn’t struggle against my words and quickly walked down the hallway, slamming the door behind them.

“So, you think you’re the boss now?” he laughed at me. Quickly he pushed me up against the wall, his elbow constricting my throat.

“You definitely need to rethink that strategy,” His eyes stared me down and I realized I no longer recognized who the man in front of me was.

I can’t breathe!!!

I choked and sputtered and hyperventilated, but he didn’t get off me. My eyes first saw white spots and then they turned black. In a moment of panic I pushed back as hard as I could, which happened to be the exact moment he began to back off of me. The collision sent him flying down the stairs, his head loudly colliding with the front door.

My feet moved now. They sprinted down the stairs and I quickly went to check his pulse. I couldn’t feel anything, but I couldn’t believe the worst just yet. In my hysteria I began to shake him.

“Wakeupwakeupwakeupwakeup!!!!” I screamed, tears finally coming down my own face. 

Then an object stuck out in the corner of my eye. It was the toe of my six-inch black heel sticking out of my father’s back.

My head turned instinctively and I puked. And puked. And puked.

For a long while I sat there numb, unable to move, unable to think, unable to feel. Eventually I heard Ally and Liz gasp. I think one of them started to cry, but I couldn’t tell and I didn’t care.

             No thoughts passed through my mind, and when one finally did, all I could think of was how awful every outcome seemed right now. It all could have been prevented, if only there was someone there to catch him.