Wasteful

From a generic meditation guide on Youtube: 

Find a time when you will not be disturbed. 

I close my eyes as I try not to think of today. I read a news article that said the world would end in 2030 if action was not taken immediately.  

Whatever thoughts come and go in your mind, simply observe them. As if from a distance. 

I think of the world ending. I think of the animals. I think of what I ate today. I think of the interactions I had. I try not cringe at my awkwardness. I think of the world again.  My therapist said I should try this, and I am trying. 

Now, focus on your breathing.

One breath in. One breath out. I try to clear my mind as I clear my lungs. Instead of my breathing I focus on how people in California must feel now. Dead trees to poisoned air to poisoned lungs. 

If thoughts intrude, see them as colored balloons: as separate from you, and let them go.  

I give earth a green balloon. I give fires a red balloon. I give trees a brown balloon. I give water a blue balloon. I give animals a white balloon. I give people a black balloon. I give hope a popped balloon. I let them all go. Only one comes back to me.  

Be conscious...to the brush of clothing against your skin. Feel the surface on which you sit, and how your body presses into it...Notice the detail in the sounds you are hearing. Feel the temperature of the space which you are in. 

I am too conscious, I am too aware. I wonder where my clothing came from. I imagine dingy factories and underpaid workers. Clothes sold and bought and thrown away without a care. I feel the chair I sit on. I imagine another factory. I think of the trees. Cut, moved, reshaped- just for a bunch of asses to sit on them.  

I hear the sounds of cars and ambulances and heating. Honking. Screaming. Roaring. I think of the ones who live outside and cannot escape these noises. I think of the smoke we send up to the sky. I feel my face flush as I become warmer and warmer. I can only think of how the earth must feel.  

Spend some moments simply being. Being aware of all that is within you and around you right now in this very moment. This is what it is to be mindful...When you are ready begin to go about your daily life once again.  

As I breathe out one last time, I wonder if being mindful is simply forgetting. I wonder why I feel more stressed than refreshed. Maybe we spend too much time forgetting. Maybe we spend not enough. We feel as if we continue to think of things they will go away. They do not, and neither us nor anything else is resolved.  

The Youtube video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6p_yaNFSYao&t=525s