Cognitive Dissonance

Do you know how hard my heart breaks?

How my heart breaks when I realize how much time has gone by?

How much my heart breaks when I realize how miserable I’ve been?

Most of the time I’m just trying so hard not to think of anything at all.

Because when I do, it’s life threatening- 

In the sense that death is all I can think about

The harder I think the more I am confused

The harder I try the less I get anywhere

Yet, I have to still live and act and be in a world of rational beings and try to explain the Irrational Disease that has fallen upon me.

I realize how annoying I’ve been-

I’m asking all the questions no one wants to think about.

Im sitting around staring off into my space,

Falling into my tangled thoughts

When people are sitting near me, begging me for a word.

They ask me to explain it,

In response I am speechless.

I have many words about thinking thoughts of other thought thinking things,

But reality and the present-

I am useless.

Then there is the girl.

The girl I told was sinful,

The girl I told I couldn’t be with

The girl I told I loved her.

I’m sorry.

Your heart broke at a time when mine could barely feel.

It all hit me at once, now, sitting alone

Staring at pictures of things I had planned

Staring at times where we laughed

Staring at dates we had been on.

And now my heart breaks.

But, I am forced to face my own decisions and thoughts.

I am forced to be in a world I can barely function in.

And for this I am not okay,

But I know I will be.